Ephemeral
by Iori-chan-sempai
Summary: Would his usefulness finally run out? After all, it wasn't like Hotsuma said he would need him forever. Shuusei/Hotsuma.


Shuusei wasn't sure why the girl unnerved him in the first place; he was Hotsuma's partner, his best friend, the person whom he always said he needed, the one on whom he always depended. Yoshida was just some girl with a crush who Hotsuma met out of sheer coincidence. Of course, if that were really true, why was he so insistent on taking care of her? After all, they had just been designated representatives together, but he could see the way she had constantly been looking at him, clearly swooning at his-- his partner, Hotsuma.

If anything, Shuusei knew he should feel glad, satisfied that Yoshida's affection was more than simple convenience, but he can't feel anything other than the cold bite of jealousy and something else--

Fear. Of course, it had to be fear.

After all, he remembered what it was like standing there when Yuki had reached forward, putting his hands over Hotsuma's burning ones, reassuring him of his kindness, telling him that his power wasn't his fault. Before that, no one but Shuusei had ever dared to touch Hotsuma's flames willingly. The look on Hotsuma's face showed that he was astounded, pleased, and secretly so very happy to find another comrade who could see past his facade and _accept_ him. Shuusei's heart sunk; he had failed-- obviously he wasn't good enough to give Hotsuma peace.

Hotsuma was a brilliant gem, and maybe he had been a fool to rely on those words all along to survive: "I only need you."

Shuusei was necessary to him because he had always been alone and lonely, but now he had a woman after him who he seemed to care for and was obviously getting along with Yuki (oh, how he wished he could have Luka's confidence to watch the two without feeling something thick and sickening stirring deep in the pit of his gut).

Hotsuma's eyes were as bright as the stars and he contained so much warmth that Shuusei had chided others for never seeing it...

It was strange. Finally, someone else besides him could recognize it, and all he could feel was irritated.

Shuusei understood it-- he didn't want Hotsuma's well-being, he just wanted to have Hotsuma to himself. This was his punishment for being so selfish, to have to sit and bite his tongue while others praised him and that face showed expressions that it never would for Shuusei. It wasn't fair. He was the one who had wiped tears from his partner's face for years, the one who had guiltily loved Hotsuma's angst and sorrow, loved to let Hotsuma cry into his shoulder as he stroked his hair and told him that everything would be okay.

He still remembered in middle school when Hotsuma had come to him, tears in his eyes, once again saying that he didn't mean it. Shuusei's girlfriend had been using him, he had said, was taking advantage of his kindness and slandered him. Hotsuma hadn't been thinking, had raised his voice to argue against her and her lighter had flared, setting her whole arm on fire.

Hotsuma had apologized endlessly, even though Shuusei hadn't been angry with him-- how could he? He had known what she was and accepted it. Those four weeks of being her 'boyfriend' were definitely worth it when Hotsuma said, thoughtlessly, "Why do you even need a girlfriend anyway? Can't I... Aren't I enough?" and Shuusei never accepted another girl's confession again.

Of course he had been speaking out of sheer emotion, but Hotsuma always spoke exactly what he thought, and those words had made Shuusei so ashamedly _happy_.

But maybe he had been reading too deeply into it after all. Hotsuma didn't need him, he needed someone, anyone. Hotsuma needed love and Shuusei had just been the only one to give it to him. No wonder Hotsuma thought he was his savior... All this time, Shuusei had just been kidding himself, thinking he was special, thinking that he and Hotsuma were truly meant for each other.

He was finally able to see-- forced to see-- his own inability; he could not love Hotsuma like Yoshida would (although he did love him, and that was what made it hurt even more), he could not heal or comfort him like Yuki did (and neither could he feel glad for his friend to receive anything of the sort from someone other than him). All that he had thought he wanted was for Hotsuma to finally get all the affection he deserved, but now that it was coming true, Shuusei just felt hateful and betrayed and _cold_. Depression swirled around him whenever he even considered the possibility that maybe, just maybe Hotsuma would move on without him. Something in his chest tightened. His vision swam.

If Hotsuma didn't need him, what was his whole purpose for living?


End file.
